Your cocktail says something about you.

For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a boilermaker says you appreciate knowing where your pants are. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you sidle up to the bar and place your order, you open a window onto your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.

 

Bellini

You have a tab at Olive Garden.

 

Bloody Mary

You enjoy music, long walks on the beach, and the occasional stabbing spree.

 

Cosmopolitan

You didn’t start drinking until after your first divorce, and didn’t start really enjoying it until after your second.

 

Fuzzy Navel

You’re comfortable with who you are, but you’re the only one.

 

Gimlet

Something about your personality makes otherwise normal people use words like “bounder” and “cad.”

 

Green Tea Martini

You believe in sustainable living, except for that time you backed over a baby seal in your Passat.

 

Harvey Wallbanger

You, or someone a lot like you, will inspire Alcoholics Anonymous to abandon the twelve-step program in favor of indiscriminate Tasing.

 

Jägerbomb

High school was the best six years of your life.

 

Kentucky Colonel

Your music collection includes a CD of jug band favorites.

 

Lime Rickey

You have no real love for the drink itself, but for reasons known only to yourself, you enjoy the suffering of limes.

 

Long Island Iced Tea

No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.

 

Mai Tai

You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.

 

Manhattan

You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the oafs pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are getting all the best trim.

 

Margarita

All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.

 

Mimosa

There’s a song in your heart and diet pills in your purse.

 

Mint Julep

You own your own dueling pistols and aren’t afraid to use them.

 

Old Fashioned

Every significant event in your life has taken place on either a porch or a patio.

 

Orgasm

You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.

 

Piña Colada

You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 50% wig.

 

Raging Bull

You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as this kick-ass song is over, just wait.

 

Sidecar          

No one is accusing you of anything, but you’ve buried a suspiciously large number of husbands.

 

Singapore Sling

You learned to drink from your mother.

 

Tequila Slammer

You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.

 

Tom Collins

You aspire to a life of quiet dignity, but will settle for a life of quiet desperation.

 

Zombie

No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.¸                

 —Mike Richardson-Bryan