Broke your leg? Don’t sit there feeling sorry for yourself—hobble your way to free drinks!

You hurt yourself. Bad. So bad you can’t work, can’t drive and can’t run out of the bar you’re being chased from. You’re stuck with a case of self pity, lots of free time, nowhere to be in the morning, and a thirst like the Ancient Mariner.

Individually those are nothing special, but put those ingredients in a mixer and give them a good shake and you’ve got an excellent cocktail I like to call as the Broken Man Bender. I mean, the damage is already done so you might as well have some fun, right? And so what if it was the booze that put that cast on your leg. I mean take down your framed portrait of Jack Daniels (since you’re a drunk, I’m assuming you have one) and look into that great man’s eyes? Such wisdom! Such piety! He’d burn down his distillery before he’d stick out his foot and trip you. Examine your bottle of Wild Turkey (once again, I’m assuming). Look how cute your feathered friend is. How innocent and earnest. Not to mention delicious. And so is the stuff inside. Take a drink, go ahead. There. Takes the itch right out of that cast, don’t it?
A great man once said, “From funerals come flowers,” and you may consider the following treatise to be a massive blooming bouquet sticking out of your bottle of Jack Daniels.

Daffodils for a Drunkard: Guzzling on the Go
First, you’re going to need the proper gear. It’s a long haul to the bar even if only a few blocks away. Crutching can be very tiresome and you’ll need something refreshing when you stop to rest. If you can get around with a cane, you’re in luck—a wide variety of canes with built in flasks are available for about 25 bucks. Sadly, mankind has yet to come up with crutches with a built in liquor supply so you’re going to have improvise. First, make sure you get the hollow aluminum crutches. Next buy two lengths of 2 inch diameter clear plastic hose (hardware stores carry them, or just pull it off your beer bong) and seal one end of each with that clothes iron you never use. You can cork it with a run-of-the mill wine cork or, if you want to get fancy, you can buy a rubber plugs from the hardware store. Duct tape a length of string to the top of each, fill them up with the liquor of your choice, insert one tube flask in each crutch (you want to stay balanced) letting the string hang out about two inches. Snap the pads back on, and voila, you’re all set to travel. When you get tired on the way to the bar and feel you cannot continue, simply pop the armrest off, pull out a tube and drink your fatigue away.

Don’t worry about people staring at you because your sucking on a tube. A man on crutches is expected to take medicine for his pain and that’s exactly what you’re doing. Another fine thing about the crutch flasks is they are nearly undetectable to bouncers and concert security.

Petunias for the Plastered: Turn those broken limbs into blessings!
Believe it or not, there’s an upside to being lame, namely:
A.) Since you can’t drive you won’t have to deal with the horrible risk of spilling your drink while swerving to miss a yuppie jaywalking on amateur night.
B.) Since you have no job and little cash (which, naturally you will be spending on booze), you can go on that diet you’ve been putting off forever. Soon that belly that hung over your belt will be a thing of the past as you commit to a liquid regimen.
C.) Most people with broken bones waste their money on pain killers, i.e. Percocet, Vicodin or Codeine. Revel in the fact that you’ll have no need to spend precious drinking dollars on such foolishness. Your physical discomfort will instead be nullified by Jim Beam, PBR and Tuaca.
D.) While your biceps are probably very well developed from lifting a steady stream of liquor up to your face, your triceps, forearms and shoulders are probably underdeveloped, thus making you appear deformed and unattractive to the ladies. Now that you’re crutching those neglected muscle centers will be getting rigorous daily workouts and soon you may rejoin humanity as a relatively normal human being. So long as they overlook the drunk-all-the-time thing.
E.) You’ve always wanted to have the agility of Jackie Chan in the movie The Drunken Master. Your tenure as crutcher will fine tune your sense of balance to something akin to a wild cat with a nasty tequila habit. At first it will be difficult, maneuvering while hammered through crowds and shrubs, up stairs and over passed-out bodies. Soon, however, you’ll be able to recover from a potential fall with a quick pivot on your good foot and a swift downward thrust of a crutch. When you do fall, and you will, you’ll learn to quickly twist your body to protect the injured limb, thus absorbing the impact with you back, arm, torso, face, groin, etc. How will this help you later in life? It won’t! I’m just trying to make you feel better about being a gimp.

Tulips for the Trashed: Milk it baby, milk it!
Once you’ve managed to gimp your way to the bar, it’s Bogart time. Hobble up to a stool and struggle to climb onto it, wincing in pain as you pretend to accidentally bang your leg. If you know the bartender even just a little, he will buy your first round. It’s the least he can do. Since most bartenders are drunks, he’s probably walked a mile in your cast. He know’s what it means to be a broken, thirsty man.

You’re not likely to be as lucky with the rest of the room. Since the drinks they’re going to buy are going to be bought with money from their pockets, they’re apt to be less sympathetic. But they will be curious, and that is your hook. Soon enough you’ll be barraged by a rotating onslaught of inquisitive drunks. They won’t be able to keep themselves from asking, “Hey man, whadjya do to yer leg?” Since you probably hurt it doing something stupid and undramatic don’t you dare tell the truth. Lie. Lie your ass off. Tell the first person this: “We threw a benefit show for the Red Cross at my friend’s warehouse. I was in charge of the kegs. I couldn’t get anyone to help me and while lifting it into the ice bin it slipped and fell on my foot, smashing it to pieces. At least we raised those poor people a lot of money.”

Don’t forget to say “Thank you.” Rough up the next inquistor’s sympathies with this one: “Well you see, my neighbor is a blind old lady and some dog chased her cat up a tree. I climbed up and handed it down to safety. She offered to reward my good deed with a bottle of wine and in my haste to get down I fell and broke my leg. It really sucks cuz I lost my wallet on that spill too. I think that very same dog ran off with it and ate it in an alley.”

Slump forward and sigh. Look down and wince . . . then look up and say thanks.

As you hobble deeper into Hammeredville, you’ll find the novelty of helping a heroically-injured drunkard will wear off. So you’ll have to work harder. When the well seems completely dry try this sure thing: “There was this homeless guy drinking a forty behind a dumpster when some cops pulled up and started harassing him. A chase ensued. I was finishing off some Mad Dog 20/20 as the bum ran past. A strange sense of fellowship came over me and I stuck my leg out, tripping the cops who then beat me with night sticks and broke my heroic cop-tripping wino-rescuing leg. I just got out of court. Boy, losing can sure make you mighty thirsty. But you know, what? No regrets. When I see a drunkard in need I have to step up.” Then gaze forlornly at your empty glass until it’s filled up.

Baby’s Breath for the Blasted: Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize.
In addition to your excellent Secret Flask Crutches you may consider enhancing your Broken Man Bender with these:
1.) Clip-on Beverage Holder. You fasten this commonly available gadget in between the bars of each crutch. Its form-fitting drink holster conforms to most standard sized rocks glasses, pint glasses, and beer bottles.
2.) Poor Man’s Crutch Cup Holder. If the previous upgrade is too pricey for you simply pull any large plastic cup out of the trash can, place it between the lower portion of your crutch bars, wrap vigorously with duct tape and voila!
3.) Knee and Elbow Pads. By the end of you tenure these will seem foolish but at the start they will serve you well. As you adjust to your new center of balance they will protect your good limbs from injury as they meet the bricks at two o’clock in the morning with a pleasant soft puffing sound instead of a harsh crunch.

Red Roses for the Ripped: Oh you poor, poor thing
Viewing you as a bird with a broken wing, women possessed of the Nightingale Complex will wish to take care of you. This can be especially effective in the bar when the free drinks from the inquisitors has run dry. They are also useful as a source of transportation. Although you have your Hidden-Flask Crutches to aid you to the bar, the way home fifteen free drinks later can be treacherous. Crippled, drunk and lost is no way to go through life, so sit back and relax as she happily drives you home from the bar, to the liquor store the next day, to the pawn shop the day after. Be careful when it’s nightcap time, however. Getting naked with a stranger with fiberglass casting up to your crotch can be tricky, if not embarrassing. If embarrassment is not in your vocabulary, then you may be in for the time of your life. Two months on Broken Man Bender can result in more rolls in the hay then last two years combined.

Lilies for the Loaded: You’re the life of the party, maaan!
For wallflowers and those who sit on their hands instead of waving them frantically at the nearest female, your injury can serve as a powerful tool to elevate yourself to being the very beating heart of the party. Here’s how:

Drink straight whiskey until you’re almost blacked out. As you gimp around the party you will eventually take a digger. Anyone within lunging range will spring forth to help you up. Once you’re up and surrounded by the concerned, jettison your crutches and lock your arms around as many of them as possible. Begin hopping to the beat of the music and clawing at their drinks. Unless they are complete blackhearts, they’ll find this amusing and hand over their hooch with a smile. People will notice the crowd around you and assume you’re really cool. Someone will eventually offer to pick up your crutches. Be polite and hold their beer for them while they do so. As they bend over, slam it fast, then “accidentally” drop the cup as they pass you the crutches.

If anyone gets irate at your antics, challenge them to a keg stand competition. If they accept, this storied contest will part the mob at the keg like that old hooch-monger Moses parting a sea of Red Dog. With your newfound upper body strength and quenchless thirst from weeks on a bender, all challengers will wilt before you. They will look away in shame as the one-legged man outdrinks the whole party. And when you belch, don’t be surprised if it smells like daisies. —Luke Schmaltz

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