The Pot Calling the Bottle Black
“There is a certain kind of person that will first stab you in the
back, then ask your help finding your wallet.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald
As
an alcohol enthusiast, you’re probably aware
that the PC nannies on the Left and the Bible thumpers
on the Right are aligned against us. And fanatical
Muslims, of course.
What you
might not know is an even more virulently anti-alcohol
group has sprung to life right in our midst. How virulent,
you ask?
Their propaganda
campaign would make the Anti-Saloon League blush. Their billboards announce
that alcohol is the culprit behind incest and child molestation. They’ve
put out wanted posters for brewer Pete Coors and Denver mayor (and bar owner)
John Hinkenlooper, accusing them of “dealing a deadly drug.” They
say anyone selling alcohol, bartenders included,
is a murderous pusher.
Go to their
website and the first thing you’ll notice is
a graphic blaming alcohol for domestic violence, rape,
and murder. They lay Mark Foley’s perversity,
Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitism and even Dick Cheney’s
shotgun incident squarely at alcohol’s feet.
Their logic seems to be: Have you done
anything wrong? Do you drink? Then it’s alcohol's
fault!
So who is
this diabolical organization? Who could have so much
hate in their heart for the thing we love so much?
You’ll
never guess.
It’s SAFER
(Safer Alternative For Enjoyable Recreation.) A marijuana
legalization group.
Et
tu, Bongus?
Who would
have guessed? We’ve always considered them allies, haven’t we? There’s
a helluva lot of crossover between pot smokers and
boozeheads, and I think it safe to say drinkers are
many times more likely to support the legalization
of marijuana than teetotalers.
So what would
compel SAFER to so vehemently attack sweet Mother Booze?
Sheer crassness.
The organization’s founder, Mason Tvert, is known as the Karl Rove of
the stoner set, and no wonder. SAFER has embarked on a win-at-any-cost campaign,
displaying the callousness of a swimmer willing to climb on top of anyone’s
head, so long as he saves himself from drowning. He
figures if SAFER can demonize alcohol enough, marijuana
will seem angelic in comparison.
heir main
arguing point is this: alcohol kills tens of thousands
of people each year and marijuana doesn’t kill anyone, so marijuana should be legal. And
alcohol, well, perhaps the world would be a better
place without that evil, murderous thug hanging around.
What they
neglect to tell you is alcohol saves many
more lives than it takes. Government studies by five
different countries show that, due to its health benefits,
tens of thousands of fewer people die each
year because alcohol is present in their cultures.
Research by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse
and Alcoholism reveals that if all drinkers in the
U.S. became abstainers—by switching to pot,
say—there would be an additional 80,000 deaths
per year.
I presented
this evidence via email to Steve Fox, SAFER’s Executive Director, and
he responded by first trying to shame me for defending demon booze, then added: “My
personal goal is to keep telling the country how harmful
alcohol is until marijuana prohibition is over.”
Do you feel
that gun to your head? SAFER seems to think they can
not only demonize alcohol without fear of retribution,
they can also brazenly extort drinkers into helping them do it.
Their entire
act is wrongheaded. They propose to get their initiatives
passed by attacking those who would most actively support
them; and appealing to those (the uptight, teetotaler
gang) who would never in a million years cast their
vote for another recreational drug. Most ironic of
all, they have adopted the same statistic-warping scare
tactics that they have long bewailed the government
for using against them.
Some might
argue that it’s okay to overlook the devil’s bad habits, so long
as he’s doing the work of the angels, but I disagree, because that evil
motherfucker will sell you down the river every time. If SAFER's
cynical tactics are allowed to succeed here, it will
spread like wildfire.
I’m
a longtime supporter of marijuana legalization, and
I usually vote that way. But not this time. On Nov.
5 I voted against SAFER-sponsored Referendum 44, which
would have legalized marijuana possession in Colorado.
When it lost by 20 points I raised a drink in celebration.
Not because pot lost. Because SAFER lost.
Was a lesson
learned? Not at all. According to Mr. Fox, SAFER plans
to really crank
up the bullshit machine next time around.
“Marijuana vs. alcohol is
the end game,” Steve Fox, SAFER’s Executive
Director, wrote in an email to this magazine. “If
you want to start the battle now, great.”
Consider
the battle joined, Stevo.
And rest
assured, when SAFER launches their ugly new campaign
against Mother Booze, MDM will be the first to jump
into the trenches and make these treacherous bastards
pay. Every goddamn step of the way.
Frank
Kelly Rich
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