Crank Mail #1: The Ballad of Badaaaaass Billy Macdowell, Part Two

(Part One)

I woke up--rather late in the afternoon, I admit--to find not one, but five emails from Bill waiting for me! I could hardly wait to read them.

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: a quickie

The pix is early 1980s. oddly enough, w/o the bullshit, I haven't changed much. No grey hair, but a little turtle neck. Had a scholarship to college for swimming and to become a phys ed teacher, but joined the Navy instead, for all things...booze and to get out of Brooklyn. Enough about Dorian Gray. I sent you the e-mails I received. I knew that with porn on my site, that's where the curious would go. Good luck and if you would prefer, I'll remove it. The ABI will loath the connection. MADD will go bonkers.

Since I retired I decided to concentrate on the two things I know most...alcohol and the construction industry. You can view my half assed site Construction Data Retrieval Operations Manager (CDROM.
The scheme was to have the construction industry fund VOAI and I would contribute a national EAP (Employee Assistance Program) for them. I started to design a treatment and prevention program for relapse and motivation. MOTIVATION ATTITUDE CONVERSION CENTERS (MAC). Eventually my wife (who hasn't had a drink in 24 years-not an alcoholic) and I would start up a Spain operation and live over there part time and the states part time. That was to be our final years. As you can see I use my time as an activist.

Again I will say, check my story "Bill's Story" as a beginning and my Founder page Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell if you really want an interview. There's enough info to start with. If your serious w/o trying to make a fool of me, I'll cooperate. I believe two warring factions can accomplish much more by affiliating (the ABI won't talk to me either) to get a strong message across w/o favoring one or the other.

As far as Adam 12 there was time when Marty Milner and I looked like twins. Those were the good old days. When my kids were growing up I got us all into modeling while working with my tools in the electrical construction trade. We became one of the most sought after families in the country for a period of thirteen years. Yes...I went to jobs in NY drunk and my agent (we had two) always asked my wife "is he sober enough to do the job?"

I'm going to have supper now. Thanks for the e-mail. It's encouraging.

Bill

MOTIVATION ATTITUDE CONVERSION CENTERS! Now we were getting somethwere!

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: a quickie

Hey Bill:

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to your five emails, but I was up very late doing some “bar research” last night and just got up. You would have been proud of me! I got rid of a lot of beer and liquor that could well have found its way into to hands of high school kids. Score one for the good guys!

Spain! Wow! If you move there, make sure you try to get close to Barcelona. They drink, like, 24-7 there. Always a party going on!

Bill, I read Bill’s Story and Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell, and I think I have enough background to do a really good interview.

Sounds like your agent was kind of uptight. I personally work better when I’m drunk. But some people just don’t’ understand that.

Do you have ICQ? You can get it here:

http://download.com.com/3001-2150-10155606.html

It think it would be the best way to conduct the interview, as it is faster than email. It’s a small file and installs very quickly. Let me know when you have it installed and your ICQ number and I’ll contact you.

Let me know,

Your pal,

Frank

From: Bill Macdowell
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: E-MAILS

You are a sensitive guy Frankie. After I shared with you my innermost thoughts, you got right on the horn and broke my anonymity to the below birds of a feather of yours. I've got to say they are very articulate. The only book they probally read was The Book of Denial. And didn't you tell Tim that I love the Irish and both wives were Irish along with my seven kids (who are probally older than you). Before I forget, send me your bio and possibly a pix so I know who I'm corresponding with. Do you really think you can "rassle" with me?

Emails:

Hey Bill,

You sound like a crazy guy. Wanna go out and get fall down drunk
together? Think of the crazy times we can have. I'll even let you buy!

Your partner in boozing,
Lemmy

*******************************

You are a bigoted pathetic puke. May the devil use your backbone as a ladder to pick apples in the garden of hell. That's a curse from some old Catholic Irish Drunk. Fuckin racist.

Tim from Milwaukee
How many US soldiers did your SUV kill today?

**************************************

Good evening sir,

How are you this fine evening. I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know that I disagree with your opinion of self identified drunkards. We are people the same as you, and all most of us ask for is for you to respect our wishes and leave us alone. I think you missed one of the subtle point of modern drunkard, its a harkening back to a simpler time, not just for those who chose to consume alcohol, but for everyone else. We may have issues in our eyes, but i never asked you to butt into our lives. I certainly leave you alone, so I'd rather you stay away and let us be. We'll be fine, and as an aside, i dont drive drunk, in fact i never have. Just because you choose to drink, doesnt make you irresponsible. Thanks for the generalizing, and i wish you the best.

Dave Schalmo
Self Professed Drunkard

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: EMAILS

Bill! You said I could post your emails, remember? You promised me! And you wrote not so nice things about me on your website with provocation (though I kind of like them now). Sickest of the Sickest XXXXporn! Ouch!

We are not in denial! We never deny any drink brought before us. We welcome them without prejudice or reservation.

I think they were mostly mad about you CIA comments. Bill. You were a little quick to assume my ethnicity/religion. Must not stereotype! They get in the way of therapy.

Also, as requested, I’m enclosing a picture of me. You will note by my pipe and stony gaze that I am a PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST. Please do any voodoo rituals with it, or draw any devil horns and put XXXXporn across my forehead then post it on your website. Because then I’d have to link to it.

Best,

Frank

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: porn

I forgot to respond to the porn. You have it on your site. Check this out. Click links. Here's the URL. I never saw so many porn sites after scanning on and on. http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/md_links.htm

I went to the MDM link page to see if might have drunkenly posted links to Hot Girl on Girl Asian XXXXPorn Sex sites, but all I could find was a link to college drinking site that was a little risque (girls in bathing suits) and a bunch of booze and beer related links. Was I missing something?

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject:porn

Oh, come on, Bill!

That’s not porn. Thos are links to drinking sites like mine. Okay, maybe there are a few topless girls on the college drinking sites, but there’s nothing wrong with some naked ladies, is there, Bill? You don’t equate booze to porn, do you? That seems a little weird, Bill. Now I’m going to feel all funny the next time I peel the label off a bottle.

Gotta go answer the rest of your emails. Talk you then!

Frank

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: MSN

I've got MSN. What now?

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: a quickie

I’m sorry, Bill. I meant ICQ. You can get it here:

http://download.com.com/3001-2150-10155606.html

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: MIA

Frank:
Where are you? On a special mission to clean up the porn on your site. Good idea if your doing it. I can't believe you didn't know it was there, but I realize, like myself, that we can't read everything that we install. This is not a jab, I'm only trying to help. Here's a somewhat up to date pix of me. Probally 3or4 years ago. Lost a few pounds and can't see much of the face, but my wife is there. I'll paste the URL below.

Now about frank. Born Nov. 6, 1963, Las Vegas. Settled in Denver after a few geographic changes. Wrote a book "The Angels of Revenge." Now all I need is a pix of you.

Just got back from an AA meeting and told a few heavy hitters about our corresponding. I'm sending them your site address to look over. Believe it or not, they are interested. Who knows, you may get some more subscribers.

Got some good ideas (which I've had for years) and you and your mag may be the missing link. "There are no coincidences."

About me being God. Not by a long shot. Linchpin is the key word. Also, here is a blurp I used in my book in an individual lawsuit.
There are alcoholics; heavy users of alcohol; social drinkers; abstainers, who choose not to drink at all; individuals, because of a chemical imbalance, cannot drink alcohol; temperance organizations who abhor alcohol and then there are the innocent, uneducated, and unsuspecting, who have become victims of alcohol indirectly.

As I said, I downloaded MSN. But don't have a clue about using it.

Bill (click)What is a "Plank Owner?"

Plank Owner? Bill(click) was getting a little cryptic with me. Was it an insult? A compliment? A secret AA code? I had to know.

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: a masterpice

Hey Bill:

Where are you? On a special mission to clean up the porn on your site. Good idea if your doing it. I can't believe you didn't know it was there, but I realize, like myself, that we can't read everything that we install. This is not a jab, I'm only trying to help. Here's a somewhat up to date pix of me. Probally 3or4 years ago. Lost a few pounds and can't see much of the face, but my wife is there. I'll paste the URL below.
I was on a mission, but not that kind. I’m still kind of confused about what you’re calling porn. Is it this one? http://www.graykangaroo.com? I know there’s a sexy lady on the banner, but they just sell liquor filters. They make bad liquor good! Isn’t that a great idea?

Now about frank. Born Nov. 6, 1963, Las Vegas. Settled in Denver after a few geographic changes. Wrote a book "The Angels of Revenge." Now all I need is a pix of you.
Yes! You are correct. A lot of geographical changes though. I was chasing the horizon, Bill. I wanted to live everywhere at once. And you’re forgetting my other three books. Don’t short me on this, Bill. I spent a lot of time on those books. They’re a futuristic series about a really drunk Private Enforcer (like a PI, but meaner) who gets in all sorts of mysteries and kooky situations which he gets out of by shooting a lot of people. Bad people, Bill.

Just got back from an AA meeting and told a few heavy hitters about our corresponding. I'm sending them your site address to look over. Believe it or not, they are interested. Who knows, you may get some more subscribers.
Yes! Maybe we can get them back on the team!

Got some good ideas (which I've had for years) and you and your mag may be the missing link. "There are no coincidences."
I believe that too. It’s Jungian synchronicity! Can’t wait to hear your ideas.

About me being God. Not by a long shot. Linchpin is the key word. Also, here is a blurp I used in my book in an individual lawsuit.
There are alcoholics; heavy users of alcohol; social drinkers; abstainers, who choose not to drink at all; individuals, because of a chemical imbalance, cannot drink alcohol; temperance organizations who abhor alcohol and then there are the innocent, uneducated, and unsuspecting, who have become victims of alcohol indirectly.
Still, being God’s Lynchpin has got to be cool. I mean, the lynchpin is what holds it all together? God has got to love that. Are there good benefits?

As I said, I downloaded MSN. But don't have a clue about using it.
Download ICQ. It’s much better and easy to install and use. This way we can chat directly and do the interview.

Bill (click)What is a "Plank Owner?"
Frank (clack!). You got me, Bill. What is a Plank Owner? You’re not suggesting I should walk the plank, are you? You’re not a pirate are you, Bill?

Let me know!

Frank

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: a masterpice

Frank, I knew you couldn't resist. A great feat. How long did it take to massage all those e-mails? Does this mean your dumping me? http://www.drunkard.com/crank-mail-01.htm.

Bill

O-ho! Bill was onto me. Not only did he discover I was posting his emails, he accused me of massaging (!) them. Was there no limit to my degeneracy?

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: a masterpice

Glad you like it, Bill. And no! You will not be dumped. I don’t know what you mean by “massaging the emails” but it sounds a little pornographic. How does one do that?

Let me know!

Frank

From: addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Excellente(?)

Frank:
You have just received the highest compliment from my wife. I was moved to relay this knighting of a professional journalist. "This man is a genius!!!" Remember Frank, "Ego Defalation in Depth." A little humility please. Why this majestic comment? I read her your e-mail article "Crank Mail #1". She and I were hillarious while cooking our dinner. I think we could write a book about our strange relationship. Would you call it a love-hate relationship? My wife thinks your a comedian.(compliment). She says we would make a great comedy act. By the way, she's a college grad, 4 years, and a retired nurse supervisor who worked behind locked doors in psyche units for 5 years. I told you her father died of booze, so did her ex-husband. Her daughter, my step daughter who older than you, has 16 years in AA. Another daughter of mine is also in AA.

You mention bald(ness). The kid had a head of hair to be envied before being shaved at the prison. You are talking about Bromstrup I presume. Similar to our experiences when we hit boot camp or basic training as in your case.

You keep on referring to the ABI not making booze. ABI stands for Alcohol Beverage Industry. Distillers, brewers and wineries make the booze, isn't that so? Sure there are other areas of the industry, but these are the main players.

Prune juice in prison? Any prison I was in served Kool Aid. Here's some dirt you can add to your e-mail article. At 19, coming back from unloading cargo at Thule, Greenland (I was on a cargo ship like the one in Mr. Roberts) the Captain of the ship ordered me to his cabin for the express purpose of telling me that he wasn't going to allow me to go ashore when we hit port. Why? He called me a menace to society. Why? Another sailor and myself started a riot in Providence R.I. before we shipped out. Over 100 people became involved and we were written up in the newspapers there. The entire episode was alcohol related. Story below. Scroll down to addendum to article. The Beginning to Thule Air Base.

Speaking of prisons: During the Korean War (23years old) I went on liberty with a friend of mine (another drunk and a Seminole indian from Florida). The ship was pulling out the next day. I called my fiancé (1st wife) drunk as a skunk to say goodby, and she hung the phone up. What else could I do , but hitchhike to N.Y. from Newport R.I. to restore our love. As you may know, going AWOL during a war is tantamount to desertion and the firing squad (a little dramatic, but serious enough to be concerned when one sobers up in N.Y). I ended up spending time in a marine prison at hard labor. Also alcohol related. I hope I'm not boring you, but you wanted an interview.

Some how I don't believe your the drunk you profess to be or try to allude to be. I haven't read one word of your background. I also believe your a very intelligent guy who knows where the buck is. Possibly you want to rattle the ABI into big $$$ and get a nuisance fly off their ass. You may have read my stats about 2 million alcoholics in AA (approx) and millions more out there still in the quicksand. Of course you will say, quicksand? Rediculous, we're having a great time, this is where it's at! We call that DENIAL. Those are the meat and potatoes the ABI directs their advertising to, including the kids and college students.

How about adding other manufactures of booze to your site so I can add them to my site. The ones I added are from your site. Don't take the Catholic girl's page to heart. I'm not ethnically picking on you or your buddies. I said before, if you want anything off my site, say the word.

Bill

Just when I though we might be on the outs, Bill suggests a Bill and Frank Vaudeville Extravaganza!. We may tour!

From: Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: a quickie

You have just received the highest compliment from my wife. I was moved to relay this knighting of a professional journalist. "This man is a genius!!!" Remember Frank, "Ego Defalation in Depth." A little humility please. Why this majestic comment? I read her your e-mail article "Crank Mail #1". She and I were hillarious while cooking our dinner. I think we could write a book about our strange relationship. Would you call it a love-hate relationship? My wife thinks your a comedian.(compliment). She says we would make a great comedy act. By the way, she's a college grad, 4 years, and a retired nurse supervisor who worked behind locked doors in psyche units for 5 years. I told you her father died of booze, so did her ex-husband. Her daughter, my step daughter who older than you, has 16 years in AA. Another daughter of mine is also in AA.
Thank you and thank you! You are really too kind. A comedy act sounds like a tremendous idea. I always wanted to do that. I even practiced with one of those talking dummies for a while when I was a teenager. It’s a lot harder than it looks! Here’s my take on our possible act: You get up on stage and start saying, in a real somber, Abe-Lincolnesque voice, that alcohol is the devil and the Sickest of the Sickets pornXXXX, and then I would jump up out of the crowd (maybe even dressed as the devil wearing a crown of some sort) and shout: “Au contraire, mon freur! I am the King of the Sickest of the Sickest pornXXXX!” Then you would act all startled and reach behind your back and come up with a cake of some sort! Then you’d throw the cake at my face and everyone would laugh, because everyone likes to see some guy wearing a devil suit and crown get hit in the face with a cake. But then (here’s the zinger, Bill!) I would wipe some of the cake from my race put it in my mouth and smile slyly and say: “You fool! That was a RUM cake. You just made me more powerfully evil!” Then I would chase your around the stage with a pitchfork! It would bring the house down!

Of course, that would be only the first act. I’m still working on the rest. Possibilities, Bill, possibilities.

You mention bald(ness). The kid had a head of hair to be envied before being shaved at the prison. You are talking about Bromstrup I presume. Similar to our experiences when we hit boot camp or basic training as in your case.
It’s true, Bill. They did shave my head in basic training. But I don’t want to talk about that.

You keep on referring to the ABI not making booze. ABI stands for Alcohol Beverage Industry. Distillers, brewers and wineries make the booze, isn't that so? Sure there are other areas of the industry, but these are the main players.
Yeah, but like I said, Bill, they’re a booze defense team. They don’t have, you know, stills and beer vats in their offices. Least I don’t think they do. Do they? Because I would want to go check that out firsthand. Do you think they give visitors free drinks? Get back with me!

Prune juice in prison? Any prison I was in served Kool Aid. Here's some dirt you can add to your e-mail article. At 19, coming back from unloading cargo at Thule, Greenland (I was on a cargo ship like the one in Mr. Roberts) the Captain of the ship ordered me to his cabin for the express purpose of telling me that he wasn't going to allow me to go ashore when we hit port. Why? He called me a menace to society. Why? Another sailor and myself started a riot in Providence R.I. before we shipped out. Over 100 people became involved and we were written up in the newspapers there. The entire episode was alcohol related. Story below. Scroll down to addendum to article. The Beginning to Thule Air Base.
You started a booze riot? You’re giving me big shoes to fill, Bill. We have an article about how to make pruno in the current issue of the mag. I can send you a copy if you like. You can even make it out of Kool Aid! Which might come in handy if you start any more riots.

Speaking of prisons: During the Korean War (23years old) I went on liberty with a friend of mine (another drunk and a Seminole indian from Florida). The ship was pulling out the next day. I called my fiancé (1st wife) drunk as a skunk to say goodby, and she hung the phone up. What else could I do , but hitchhike to N.Y. from Newport R.I. to restore our love. As you may know, going AWOL during a war is tantamount to desertion and the firing squad (a little dramatic, but serious enough to be concerned when one sobers up in N.Y). I ended up spending time in a marine prison at hard labor. Also alcohol related. I hope I'm not boring you, but you wanted an interview.
Not boring me at all! Love it! My dad was a paratrooper in the Korean War and he has lots of stories about getting drunk on leave in Japan. He didn’t desert though, Bill. I don’t think that was a good idea, because we were at war and stuff. Got to watch those Koreans, Bill. Did you know they sometimes put SNAKES in their liquor bottlers? That seems like a good way to stop people from drinking. When I drink liquor the last thing I want is a snake trying to bite me in the neck. I mean, honestly!

Some how I don't believe your the drunk you profess to be or try to allude to be. I haven't read one word of your background. I also believe your a very intelligent guy who knows where the buck is. Possibly you want to rattle the ABI into big $$$ and get a nuisance fly off their ass. You may have read my stats about 2 million alcoholics in AA (approx) and millions more out there still in the quicksand. Of course you will say, quicksand? Rediculous, we're having a great time, this is where it's at! We call that DENIAL. Those are the meat and potatoes the ABI directs their advertising to, including the kids and college students.
Now that’s not nice, Bill. I do try to drink as much as possible, but I admit there are days when I slack off and only drink five or six drinks. But that is my cross to bear. I will try harder though! Promise! Yes, I do know where the money is! In other people’s pockets! That’s why I’m going to train my children (when my lazy wife gets around to having some) to be pick pockets. Wouldn’t that be awesome? I’d just laze around in a big crazy hammock and they’d come home and lay big piles of cash at my feet. Which my wife can take to the liquor store and turn into liquor. Got to plan for the future, Bill! I too think the ABI should give me some money. How are we going to get them to do that? I’m open to any ideas you might have.

How about adding other manufactures of booze to your site so I can add them to my site. The ones I added are from your site. Don't take the Catholic girl's page to heart. I'm not ethnically picking on you or your buddies. I said before, if you want anything off my site, say the word.
Please DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR ENDORSEMENTS OF ME AND MDM OFF YOUR SITE! It’s good for my Ego Inflation. Before I was just another drunk with a magazine, but now people are sitting up and taking notice. Do not take my pornXXXX crown away, Bill. I need it. It’s become part of me.

ICQ me! Frank

I'll post any future correspondence.

UPDATE: Bill has dedicated an entire page to yours truly. It's rather excellent: http://www.voai.org/contact_the_alcohol_beverage_ind.htm