Offensive bar jokes

[lmr5150]

What were Michael Jackson's last word to the paramedic?







Take me to the children's hospital.

[Bob Young]

You guys wanna hear a really funny joke?






Women's Rights.

[Bob Young]

What does a baby in a microwave sound like?





I don't know, I was to busy masturbating to notice any kind of sound.

[Bob Young]

Why do women get pregnant?




Because it hurts and they deserve it.

[Bob Young]

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



It only takes one nail to hang a picture.

[MichMorgan]

A string walks into a barbarbar. The bartender gives him an angry glance and says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here.” The string leaves, puts on a costume and comes back. Once again the bartender kicks him out of the barbarbar, and says, “We don’t serve strings here!” The string sits outside and ties himself into a knot because he badly wants a drink. Then he begins to fray the edges of the knot so the top of his head looks like hair. By this time, the string feels he’s made enough of a transformation to get a drink at the barbarbar. When the string enters the barbarbar, the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, aren’t you that string?” The string replies: “Nope, frayed knot.”

[Wingman]

“Nope, i'm afrayed knot.”

fixed that for ya. some whiskey for this coffee would be great, thanks.

[StefanoSbronzato]

Apologies if this has been posted here before but...

A man walks into his local and is surprised to see a different barman behind the bar. He thinks nothing of it and orders a pint anyway. After drinking several more pints he decides to call it a night.
"How much do I owe you?", he asks the bartender.
"Oh, nothing. Hell, have another few free pints while you're at it."
The man is astounded. "Are you sure about this? Where's the landlord?"
"Upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing with her?"
"Same thing I'm doing to his business."

[hickorycreek]

ok , two fags want a baby, so they jerk off into a cup ok, and bring it to a lady who will insemanate there sperm into her womb, ok, 9 months later, ok, the 2 fags go to the hospital to see there baby, and its perfect , calm peacefull evreything they wanted, ok, the 2 fags tell evreybody around them , look at our baby, its perfect. the best baby in the place, then........ the nurse comes out and says yeh but wait until they pull the pacifer out of its ass! he he

[Whisky Guy]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks how much.
The bartender replies "For you no charge"

Nerdy, not offensive, time to fix that...

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why did white people go to the moon? They thought natives had land up there and wanted to take it too.

[Rip Rufus]

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly my cock down your wife's throat.

[Bob Young]

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

-- The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

[Bob Young]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.

[Bob Young]

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

[Bob Young]

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.