The first is found in "I'm going to quit drinking and go to AAA" (I think that's how it goes) thread. Note: you have to read the post above it, to get the joke, but I didn't feel like doing all that copying and pasting:
I think we should all go to AA meetings and complain about how the tow truck takes two hours to get our car, and how their trip planners have outdated highway information...then say, "Oops, thought this was the AAA meeting. Sorry! Now where's the keg?"
and in "Three words" thread, this gem:
Another pie, Oprah?
There were so many good ones this week