Another God Damn Joke Thread

[Savage]

I know this one joke I wrote, about a kangaroo, but it's not dirty enough for you pigs.

[BBoozer]

I know this one joke I wrote, about a kangaroo, but it's not dirty enough for you pigs.

Come on Savage, get dirty on us. Pleaeaeaease.

[Savage]

I know this one joke I wrote, about a kangaroo, but it's not dirty enough for you pigs.

Come on Savage, get dirty on us. Pleaeaeaease.

No, see, that's the whole point. It's not dirty. I don't do blue. I'm a good girl, you see.

[BBoozer]

Don't act so shy. Be bad and dirty tonight. I'm sure you're almost holy, but there is a bad girl hiding deep inside of you.

[Savage]

Don't act so shy. Be bad and dirty tonight. I'm sure you're almost holy, but there is a bad girl hiding deep inside of you.

Wow, that scares me. What if?

[BBoozer]

Don't act so shy. Be bad and dirty tonight. I'm sure you're almost holy, but there is a bad girl hiding deep inside of you.

Wow, that scares me. What if?

Halloween, baby, halloween. You know what will happen. Okay, to my defence, I'm drunk.

[ThirstyDrunk]

The first page of this thread was a lot better than the second.

[Smatter Noguts]

Q: What do the Boston Red Sox and lawn furniture have in common?

A: They both fold up and are put away in the fall.

[John Barleycorn]

Q: What do the Boston Red Sox and lawn furniture have in common?

A: They both fold up and are put away in the fall.

alternately

What do the Red Sox and your mom have in common?

A: They SUCK!

[mikejwnz]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

[Smatter Noguts]

A Democrat walks into a bar and sees, standing next to the bartender, this giant gorilla.

So the man, orders a drink and says, "What's with the gorilla?"

The bartender says, "Watch." Then he begins to hit the gorilla. And the gorilla, he bends over and gives the bartender a blow job! When they're finished the bartender turns to the man and says, "Wanna try?"

"Sure!" says the man, "Just don't hit me so hard!".

[Savage]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

You win. 400 internet points, and a blow job from the ape in the last joke. Of course, he'll want to have sex with you first. There's no such thing as a free lunch in this country, lad.

[Mr Boozificator]

A guy enters a police station, all nervous and yells "please, you've got to help me, my mother in law got kidnapped by terrorists".
One of the policemen giggles and says "well, if my mother in law got kidnapped, I wouldn't be asking for any help".
"Yes, but they said that if I'd tell the police, they would kill her" answers the guy.

[JimLahey]

A man calls a doctor and says "Doctor you've gotta help me, I can't pee!"
The doctor thinks for a moment and asks "Ok, how old are you?"
"I'm 97." Says the man.
So the doctor says "You've peed enough!"

[NYDingbat]

Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father;
hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy,
took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers
and caught his can in the Bertie.

So some guy caught a kite in his ass?

You and your fancy Monty Python king's English.