Drunkard Injuries

[Aloysius82]

I was 15 and me and my buddy Ben "Nasty Neb" Nix and I were polishing off a bottle of Bota R, the cheapest Spanish rum that could be found in town, drinking down on the boardwalk. It was wintertime so the beach was deserted but the lifeguard towers were still up. With half a bottle of rum and coke in my belly, I begin to think that a jump off one of those towers would be a thrilling experience and goddamn, just look at that moon and the black waves crashing against the shore and I'm 15 and I'm drunk...so I climb to the top of the lifeguard tower and I breathe in the cleanest air and then I jump.
Unfortunately, my sense of depth perception was skewed, what with me being blind drunk, and I had locked my knees in anticipation of hitting the beach long before I had actually made contact. I hit the sand with ramrod legs and the shock ran up through my tailbone and into my spine. I was breathless. I could barely walk.
Somehow I made it to a taxi with Nasty Neb's help and got home. The next morning I was a cripple. I poured myself a hot bath, but to no avail. The only relief I found was to lay spread eagle upon my bedroom's cold marble floor. I did this for two days (during which my older brother was questioned whether I was involved in heavy drugs) but still made it back to school on Monday.
Goddamn, good times!

[Jelmo]

Maybe drinking and jumping from high objects are two things that should rarely meet

[BBoozer]

It's called Darwinism, or survival of the fittest. You did a dumb thing while being drunk. You survived. Congrats. Now you can procreate.

[Resident Asshole]

I have a friend who was drunk and tried to climb up from one balcony to another on the outside of an apartment building.

Needless to say that didn't work and he broke his back. Was told he would never walk again and had rods put into his back. He walks now but he didn't have insurance so he couldn't afford the rods to be taken out.

[Aloysius82]

Watta bunch of sad-sack pussies. Sure, people die while drunk...they even die while they're NOT drunk!
The point of this thread was to document funny anecdotes of dumb fucks like me getting drunk and
then hurting ourselves in various manners.
Think America's Funniest Home Videos Meets Booze.

Goddamn buncha killjoys.

[Mong]

Killjoy or not, I'd rather have a drunken discussion of medieval theater than go out and splinter my shins.

Am I a pansy? Maybe. But at least I can still walk to the bar the next day.

[Grace O'Malley]

I'm drinking now, just so you know.

Okay, this is the story of the worst drunk I've ever been on. It may have been what caused my divorce, along with other things that weren't my fault. An injury was involved.

I had an appt. to get a possible skin cancer checked. Grip and I have known each other for about since about '06, and have gone drinking together a few times. He's the best, plain and simple.
That day, seeing as it was possibly cancer, I needed some relief from life, and we had lunch together. Grip is a good person to ignore life with.
I had wine at his apt., more wine, I think some spirits of some kind at lunch. A very good time was had by all.

I got on the bus and after crossing the Columbia River, I passed by Huber's, an icon in Portland. Known for its killer Spanish Coffees, which I can attest to. I decided I needed one, and had two.

Got to a Fred Meyers (Krogers) after that and threw up in the restroom, also landed some in a purse I really liked. I called my husband (now my ex), he picked me up. I sort of fell out of the car and twisted my foot. It hurt for months afterward.

Now you know.

[aladamapee]

Amazing & more exactly heart shaking stories or drinking side effect real event, which will not only amuse ourselves but also imparting a lesson that "Drinking is rightly prohibited in all civilized world & heavenly religions"
So we should abstain from drinking;-]

[Veen]

Lastnight was karaoke night. Normally I try to maintain control on these nights, just because I actually like the place and don't want to cause a bunch of trouble for us all. Apparently, when drinking on an empty stomach, this simply becomes an impossibility for me. Apparently, this place also doesn't realize that being cut off just means I'm going to get my loyal and arguably irresponsible friends to go get my drinks for me instead. You'd think the bastards would know me better than that by now.

Closing time comes and I get woken up from my nap with the bartender yelling at me. She insists I get out from under her table and get a cab. I have no money, so that's not an option. She also says she's going to follow me to the parking lot and call the cops if I even look twice at my car. I inform her there's no way in hell I'm paying for a cab, but also no way in hell I'm driving. (I may be a shameless drunkard, but I'm at least partly responsible about it!) Talking with another woman that was there, she suggested I just have my friend Joel take me back to his place until I undrunk up in the morning. I shoot the shit with her a bit, make horrible attempts at hitting on her, and she eventually politely informs us that we should leave the premises since they have to close. Yep, totally making drunken passes at the manager of the joint. Night's going GREAT!

Almost immediately after leaving the parking lot in my friend's truck he starts to vomit. So now we're doing 80mph down the freeway while my friend is spraying the steering wheel, seat, floorboard, instrument cluster, and windshield with puke. And they said it was ME that wasn't good to drive. Somehow, we finally get back to his place without dying or murdering anybody. He immediately proceeds to disrobe for no discernable reason, pisses in a plant, and crashes out in the shower with the cold water running. After I took a nap for an hour he was still entirely out of it. I just decided to say screw it and walk the 3 miles back to my car.

This normally would have been a very simple task. However, his apartment complex is one of those types that require badge access to do so much as walk down a flight of stairs. There are little green "EXIT" buttons that are supposed to let you out in case of emergency, but those weren't working. After spending 45 minutes wandering around trying to find an open door, I finally found an exit plan. The parking garage had places overlooking street level, but the doors leading to the garage were all locked. I found one hallway just below someone's balcony overlooking the swimming pool. Over the swimming pool was some sort of wood archway structure type thing, and it butted up against the parking garage. It was perfect, no way could this fail!

So like a drunken ninja, I managed to jump up onto the balcony. Taking another leap I somehow miraculously hit the archway. Another running leap over to the parking garage and I managed to lift myself up. By now I figured I had to be home free. However, since my last visit, they had installed chain link grating over the first two stories of the parking garage. And the exit gate, of course, was also fucked up and not working. Fuck.

At this point I figure if I've already been leaping around like a kung fu action star, I can totally pull another stunt and climb down the garage. I mean Hell, I was practically Jackie Chan back there! While the first two levels had the grating in place, everything else was open air. In addition to that, the side of the garage had a bunch of decorative type work on the corners, so it was only a matter of shimmying over to one of the corners and descending that. There were tons of hand and footholds. I don't think I've even seen a climbing wall that easy. I crawled out over the ledge, started over, and grabbed onto the first handhold. This handhold proceeded to break right off in my hand and I proceeded to realize that I was now two stories up, with precisely nothing holding me up at that moment.

I used to wonder why all those Wile E. Coyote cartoons had that gag where he'd run off a ledge and hover there until he looked down. I swear, that actually happens. I realized I was suddenly dead out of luck, and I even had time to contemplate that Wile E. Coyote thought. And what do I do? I look down because I am an idiot. Needless to say, I start falling. Two stories down I crater into the sidewalk next to some woman walking her dog. From the look on her face I think she damn near shit herself. I didn't even bother moving at that point. It was too much work. Besides, there's no reason you can't have a perfectly good conversation with someone while sprawled out over a nice cool sidewalk with a pitbull sniffing and drooling over you.

"Oh my god! You just fell out of that building! Are you okay?!"
"Yeah. It happens."
"It happens?! I thought you just dropped out of the sky! That doesn't 'just happen!'"
"Well it sure as Hell does today, lady. Okay?"
"Should I call an ambulance or something? I mean... can I do anything?"
"Nah, I'm cool. Unless you got a cigarette, I could totally go for one after that."
"No, I don't smoke. Sorry. Um.... take care."
"Stay safe!"

After she started nervously shuffling away, I got up and tried to walk. Everything was fine, except my left ankle really hurt to put weight on, though it was still at least somewhat functional. Probably a classic sprain. I finally just said screw it and called up another friend to get me and my car. I had done my part for the night, there's no shame in calling in reinforcements when you really need it, right?

"Hey, Veen. What's up?"
"Nick. Buddy. Long story. I got a handle of Sailor Jerry at my place if you and Greg pick me up."



So that was my night. Now I'm considering breaking out the crutches and bandages and totally cheesing free drinks from everyone tonight. Still not sure if that's a good idea or not though.

[Mayhem]

Yeah, lots, but the worst one was........

The very tailend of Invasion III, when only two remained, Ruiner and Crystal. Through drunkard time-keeping Crystal missed her flight and needed to stay an extra day, and Ruiner wasn't going to be leaving until the next day, so they hung out at my place for the evening. It was the first time all Invasion that I didn't have to ferry folks back and forth to places, so I gave myself opportunity to drink heavily, Beer and OW 107, I think, among other things. The night wore on, and the Wander Twins were on the computer, looking at Youtube stuff, and I was drinking heavily, as I already stated. After a bit I toddled to my bedroom to have a bit of a lie-down, and I tripped over my size 12 feet. I stumbled, and promptly fell with full force on my nightstand. I gurgled something like "help" but those two had the computer volume high and they were also deafened by the love that was unhatching, so no one heard me. I recall that I laid on the floor, looking up, and saying to myself "this is nice". After a minute or an hour, probably more an hour, I decided to get up and try to get in to bed. While I was attempting this difficult task I realized the pain in my side.
Long story short is that I broke two ribs, and those two are married with a kid now.

[greygoose]

Long story short is that I broke two ribs, and those two are married with a kid now.

your ribs. so you've got, like, riblets?

[Mayhem]

Long story short is that I broke two ribs, and those two are married with a kid now.

your ribs. so you've got, like, riblets?

I see what you did there, Goosebag. The "those two" I was referring to are Ruiner and Crystal.

[andremoon41]

who the hell said you carry on two things simultaneously.? The result happens like this if some one handles a matter the way the writer of the story did.

[TheSaturatedMan]

1991
South Australia, Adelaide.
Flinders University.
Subject: Advanced Tavernology II (Those who were there nod sagely)
English Lit? Nah. Vodka Jelliyshots and Depthchargers (Beer & Drambuie)
My Alternative Crew find a mostly-sober brother. All of a sudden, its Rally Time 'round the ring Road (rings the Uni complex, ~ 2.5 clicks)
Oh Yeah- it's bonnet riding time!
2nd circuit (lotta turns), fingers wedged in the grill before the windshield wipers, screaming like a Banshee (a male Banshee...) The security arrives and gives chase with their little yellow hazard lights a-circlin'
I turn to SirMark next to me and say 'Follow my lead! By ten seconds!' to which he affirms.
The car's doing sixty k's with the Truppen on our tail so I yell to Catch our driver 'Drop it a few, we're bailing!' We're coming up fast on a drop to to the left that leads to Flinders Medical Centre (how appropriate, right?)
and she slows fourty five or so. Off I go partial leap and a shoulder tuck, six feet out and seven feet down. A few lessons of Aikido in the Gym Hall had taught me to tuck, and tuck I did, dissappearing down the hill like a poorly rolled ball.
SIrMark did as well without the training, instead running the axis of his body in a more classic roll down the hill.
Catch gunned the car and drove off like she stole it. Security wasn't interested once she hit the Uni limits.
SirMark? a scratched nose grinding our native cooch grass.
Me? A four and a half foot bruise, all the colours of the rainbow in an elegant stripe from my hip to my shoulder. You could bloody pick out my muscle groups by colour alone!
Catch put me on a rigorous regimen of alcohol to give me energy levels to heal. And here I am today...
To be honest I still can't feel a thing.

[Bur]

I once jumped off of some 15 feet height, but that was just because I was undrunk for second week in row and bored. Also it didn't actually go just as planned because under the layer of soft snow there was layer of ice. I broke some stuff from my foot and fucked up my shoulder as well while tumbling sideways.