Offensive bar jokes

[Bob Young]

Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...

[Bob Young]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

[Bob Young]

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

[Bob Young]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

[Bob Young]

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

[JimLahey]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

Damn, that's good.

[Captain Tim]

Start off smooth:

I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old with a shot of coke.

So this guy comes into a bar...
wait a minute...it was a horse...
So this guy cums into a horse...

If a tree falls onto a woman and no one is around to hear it, why is there a tree in the kitchen?


Let's keep this going!

[John Barleycorn]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

Classy wit to equal that of Churchill!

[John Barleycorn]

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?




An erection!

[Wingman]

I want to know some jokes about kids, because my little friends are want to know kids jokes from me. But i don't know any kids jokes which i can share with my little friends. So, please tell me some jokes about kids and i can share these jokes with my little friends and they become happy to hear these jokes.

judge, we got a pedophile troll here!

get me an alcopop before he kicks you out, will ya?

[Screwball]

This guy knows a bunch of jokes for your little friends. Tell him were they are and he'll come pick them up in his van.


He's gonna REALLY LIKE your little friends!

[Tariel]

Chap gets a mute gf, so he says to her, now then I know you can't speak but I wanna respect your wishes when it comes to carnal matters. I ll pop me dick out everytime I want a blowjob, if you feel up for it, jerk the dick once, if you wanna decline, jerk it a hundred times.

[Judge]

I want to know some jokes about kids, because my little friends are want to know kids jokes from me. But i don't know any kids jokes which i can share with my little friends. So, please tell me some jokes about kids and i can share these jokes with my little friends and they become happy to hear these jokes.

judge, we got a pedophile troll here!

get me an alcopop before he kicks you out, will ya?

Fucking Bangladeshfucks. Making offensive posts in a thread about offensive jokes. The establishment wants to extend our apologies and buy the house a round.

[Patchez]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with
her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous queef as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it."

[ThirstyDrunk]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says "Alright, I'll serve you guys, but don't start anything".