Another God Damn Joke Thread

[Smatter Noguts]

An illegal alien, A Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.

The bartender says,

"What'll it be, Mr. President?

[Smatter Noguts]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to Fuck off.

[Jiggers McCoy]

So there's this fighter pilot, gets shot down over some godforsaken jungle and captured by tribal natives. They bring him in front of the chief. Chief says, "I feel generous. There are three challenges, if you pass them all, you will be freed."

The pilot nodded.

The chief continued "There are 3 huts: In the first hut you will find 30 bottles of rum, if you drink them all in 30 minutes, you may move on to the next hut."

The pilot nodded.

The chief spoke on, "In the second hut is a man-eating tiger with a toothache, so as such has not eaten for days. If you survive removing the infected tooth, you may move on to the last hut."

The pilot nodded.

"In the last hut is a young woman from our village who has never been sexually fulfilled. If she says you fulfilled her, you will go free."

The pilot stood and walked to the first hut. Sure enough, every minute, an empty rum bottle flew out of the hut's door. He stumbled out of the first hut and into the second, with the tiger. Soon after, there were horrible sounds of roaring, screaming, torn flesh and broken bones. Minutes later, the pilot stumbles out, covered in cuts and dried blood and yells...

"ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE GAL WITH THE TOOTHACHE?"

[frankennietzsche]

What's black and white and red and won't fit through a door?

A nun with a spear through her neck!

[John Barleycorn]

What's red and crawls up women's legs?

A homesick abortion.

[Corrodesthefilm]

Why not? One of my favorite drinking jokes:

A bear walked into a bar in Billings and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.
The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.
The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.
The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings. Especially bears that are on drugs."
The bear looked confused, "But I'm not on drugs."
The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

[Smatter Noguts]

An old feller walks into the bar and reads the menu posted:

Beer....$2.00
Wine....$3.00
Mixed Drinks....$4.00
Hand Jobs.....$20

He reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old wrinkled $20 bill and sets it on the bar, then calls down to the gorgeous bartenderess at the other end.

When she approaches he says, "Are you the one giving hand jobs here?"

"Sure am!" she replies with a wink and a smile.

"OK," he says; "Then go wash your hands and fix me 5 Manhattens."

[ThirstyDrunk]

...and a cheese sandwich.

[JohnnyT]

a guy walks in to a bar. takes out a tiny piano and a 10 inch pianist.

oh, wait, that joke is too dirty for MDM.

[Smatter Noguts]

Boudreaux is driving down a back road in Louisiana ..
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

[ThirstyDrunk]

Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father;
hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy,
took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers
and caught his can in the Bertie.

[JohnnyT]

why do Jewish men like to watch pornos bavkward?

they like the part where the hooker gives the money back

[JohnnyT]

who makes more money, a drug dealer or a hooker?



a hooker. She can wash her crack and re-use it.

[JohnnyT]

girl I'd buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass.

[frankennietzsche]

http://dead-baby-joke.com/