And indeed I do. I spent a drunken half
hour alternatively tantalizing and terrorizing them about their choice of vacation
spots. A little wisdom did manage to did slip through, however, which I present
here in case you are considering a foray into Sin City.
You want to arrive with the idea
you’re going
to win a great deal of money. It doesn’t matter
how little money you arrive with, or how many painful
lessons you have absorbed in the past, this time it
will be different.
Never set a limit as to how much
you’re willing
to lose. That is plainly a defeatist attitude and
will jinx you from the start. You should, however,
set a limit as to how much you are willing to win.
For most this means every chip in the house, and perhaps
the deed to the casino.
If you gamble, you get free drinks.
It’s a helluva
a deal, and if you possess even an average amount
of luck the drinks will only end up costing you about
40 bucks apiece.
The climate is very hot and dry, so remember to stay
hydrated by drinking a lot of fluids. Triple Wild Turkeys
do not count, unless you ask for a lot of ice.
Sadly, the level of customer care
has steadily declined since the casinos were taken
over by soulless corporations. It is customary to
meet every instance of McDonald’s-style
service by muttering, “At least the Mob knew
how to treat their goddamn customers.”
The fact that you can drink 24 hours a day can have
an unsettling effect on some visitors. Realize you
will have to be your own bouncer and should cut yourself
off after the bartender’s face has changed three
times.
Some people seem to think that
tipping the dealer is akin to French-kissing a mugger,
but this is not true. It is akin to merely kissing
the mugger’s hand.
It’s a psychological fact that money won on games
of chance doesn’t seem like “real” money,
which can encourage you to squander your winnings.
So whenever you get a little ahead, turn those
chips into cash and force yourself to invest in tangible
commodities, such as lap dances and $20 room-service
shrimp cocktails.
If you have a streak of luck, don’t smugly inform
your friends that you’re seriously considering
quitting your job and moving to Vegas to give the
gambling profession a go. It will make them want to
strangle you in your sleep or, worse, want to borrow
some money.
When you return from your trip
it is traditional to play down your losses and exaggerate
you winnings. For example, if you broke even or actually
came out ahead, if only by $20, you should inform
your friends you “raped the bastards” and all the pit
bosses thought you were some kind of “internationally-renowned
card shark.” If you lost all the money you arrived
with, you should say you “basically broke even.” If
you lost the money you came with and every cent you
could squeeze from your credit and debit cards, you
should say you “lost a little, but more than
made up for it in free drinks.”
—Frank Kelly Rich
