May
1 May Day. Comrade drunkards of the world, unite! We’ve nothing to lose but our outstanding bar tabs! Red wine.
2 Manfred Von Richthofen’s Birthday (1892). The Red Baron drank a shot of schnapps for every one of the 80 aircraft he downed. Schnapps.
3 James Brown’s birthday (1928). Get up on your drunk foot! Night Train Wine.
4 National Homebrew Day. No, really it’s . . . it’s . . . good! Where’d you say your bathroom was? Homebrew.
5 Cinco de Mayo. Like St. Patty’s, except the Mexicans chased out frogs instead of snakes. Tequila.
6 Orson Welles’ Birthday (1915). Drink no wine before its time. And it’s time. Paul Masson Wine.
7 Homespun History Day. Remember that time you drank a keg all by yourself? Let the world know!
Truth Serum
1 oz Courvoisier
1 oz Cointreau
Juice of one lemon.
Shake with ice, shoot and tell the troot.
8 Moslem New Year’s Eve. We must drink because they cannot.
Desert Water
1 1/2 oz Tabasco Sauce
1 1/2 oz tequila
Pour Tabasco into shot glass, then use a spoon when you pour the tequila, so they don’t mix. Shoot.
9 Victory Day (USSR). Better luck next time, Ivan. Black Russian.
10 Human Kindness Day. Alert your bartender. Shot on the house.
11 Baron von Munchausen’s Birthday (1720). German adventurer/storyteller drank his way around the world. Something adventurous.
12 International Limerick Day. Revive the lost art of barroom ribaldry. Irish whiskey.
13 Word “cocktail” first used in print (1806). Replaced the less toothsome term “bittered sling.” As many different cocktails as you can stand.
14 Anniversary of Geronimo’s Corn Liquor Rebellion (1885). Apaches rose up against a ban on reservation moonshine. Firewater.
15 Las Vegas founded (1905). Took the mob to make it fun. Ten High Whiskey.
16 Animal Day. “He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.”—Dr. Johnson. Road Dog Ale.
17 Anniversary of the first Kentucky Derby (1875). “It’s a fantastic scene—thousands of people fainting, crying, copulating, trampling each other and fighting with broken whiskey bottles.”—Hunter S. Thompson. Mint Julep.
18 Largest Margarita ever made (7000 gallons) was assembled in Orlando (2001). Stand back, boys, I’m going in. Huge Margarita. Huge.
19 Orphan Day (Spain). Provide a nice, warm home for any abandoned drink you come across. Potluck.
20 Last episode of “Cheers” airs (1993). Who shall remember our names? Draft beer.
21 National Waitstaff Day. Dig deep for the drink slingers. A shot of Gran Ma in the walk-in.
22 American astronauts walk on Mars (1962). According to that kook in the film Slackers.
Fuzzy Astronaut
1/2 tsp Tang, powdered
1 oz vodka
1 oz shot peach schnapps.
Shake and shoot.
23 Declaration of the Bab (Baha’i). Bab was the heralder of the Beer Bellied One (Buddha). Full calorie beer.
24 International Jazz Day. Booze it up with the be-bop. Wine-spidodi.
25 National Wine Day. The only day of the year men can drink wine in a bar without feeling all sissified. House wine.
26 John Wayne’s birthday (1907). “He drank enough whiskey to float a PT boat.”—Ronald Reagan. Shot of redeye in a dirty glass.
27 Throw the Bastards Out Day. Don’t bring this up at last call. Arrogant Bastard Ale.
28 Ian Fleming’s Birthday (1908). Bond creator had more effect on U.S. drinking habits than all the prohibitionists in the world. Martini, shaken not stirred.
29 Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas unleashed on the reading public. “What? No! We can’t stop here! This is bat country!” Barcardi Rum.
30 Feast of the Queen of the Underworld Begins (Roman). You may have a date with her later, so you best suck up now.
Hell Mary
1 oz aquavit
1/2 oz tequila
2 oz Spicy V-8
Dash bitters
Dash Tabasco Sauce
Dash horseradish sauce
Shake vigorously, add black pepper to taste and garnish with celery and lemon wedge. Serve in Collins glass filled with ice.
31 Clint Eastwood’s Birthday (1930). The question is, do you feel thirsty, punk? Well, do you? Magnum Malt Liquor.
