Like that rare pitcher who can knock them out of the park, this double threat can sling ’em and sink ’em with the best.
What pays the bar tabs? Slinging drinks and serving cocktails.
First time to the well? I was 12 years old and my girlfriend’s parents were out of town. We did the whole “permission switch” with our parents so we could hang at her house unsupervised. At some point we found a cooler full of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the basement. Later that night we drunkenly stumbled down to the park where there was a homeless guy drinking Listerine.
Did he share? Didn’t ask. We ran home, grabbed the rest of the beer and he drank five of them with us. Jesus he was disgusting!
You have 20 bucks. Bottle of Crown and a 2 Liter of Coke. That’s if I’m alone.
If you aren’t alone? If I’m not alone you better bring your own.
Who are your drinking heroes? Easy. Humphrey Bogart.
Why? Is there a better drunkard?
Your dream bender team. Bogey, of course, Frank Sinatra, Mary Tyler Moore and Jesus.
Jesus? I don’t know if he was a drunkard or not but that whole water into wine thing would come in handy after a couple of days with those guys.
Describe a typical day of drinking. I start off with a shot of Jagermeister and chase with Crown and Coke. Then I switch to Grey Goose and Red Bull. Mind you, the Jager is a constant.
Do you have a signature cocktail? Some like my margaritas. I start with Patron Silver Tequila, 1 ounce Grand Marnier, 1 ounce of freshly squeezed lime and a splash of orange juice — shake with three ice cubes and pour into a highball glass. Fuck blenders.
Easiest way to get cut off. Taking the arm slide into the wood or handing me a dollar with one eye open while ordering another of my margaritas.
Blackouts? Twice a week, minimum. Especially when I’m out with the girls. I rarely remember those. I usually rely on Voice Mail Forensics.
Voice Mail Forensics? Yeah, I get a lot of phone messages the next day that sound like courtroom transcripts of “Girls Gone Wild.” Like: “ …and then you and Missy were making out on the bar upside down, while that cute bartender poured Jagermeister in your mouths.”
Why must we drink? The world is a better place when we drink. All of life’s traumas seem less traumatic. The laughter is louder and all the world’s problems seem to have solutions
Interview by David Gayman
